Back and BETTER than ever

Hello Sweet blogosphere,

I hope this post (5 months in the making) finds you all very well.  I have decided to return to this page and pick up where I last left you.  Many times I have wanted to write.  Many, MANY times I have jumped for joy yet could bot put my fingers to the keyboard.  My mind, it would seem, needed a break.  A break from talking surrogacy...if only for a while.

Back in December (as you know) I gave birth (in a most spectacular manner) to two of the loveliest human beings.  I am  in SHOCK as I tell you they are 5 days shy of their half-birthday!!!  I am literally the HAPPIEST person alive in part because 3 parents, 5 grandparents and many cousins, aunts, godparents and friends are living in a brighter world.  I am happy to say my life is richer and my horizons are broader because of 2 remarkable families.  I am content to move on from this era of my life knowing I have fulfilled one of my callings, to help create a family (or 2) by way of surrogacy.  Though I may never again be pregnant, I will always know 4 sweet things are babbling, getting food on the carpet, potty training, saying mama and dada in part because my family and I said YES to these most amazing journeys.

ALSO, I would just like you to know that if I could I would post these babies MOST amazing, and handsome daddy...Some of the best shots are of the three of them.  Some things a girls just gets to keep to herself:-)

Here are some pics of the kiddos:

A table by the window

Waiting for Santa

LOVE

Happy Valentines with Catchen C

Face to face

Grins all around

I'm guessing wrestling :-)

So serious

Happy Catchen

First solid foods :-)

Linnea and Marius on Constitution Day in Norway

Cannot believe these dearies are 2+ years old!

When I look back I can't believe this even happened.  It really feels more like a VERY good dream to me now.  The kids are not here (obviously) but I am reminded by sweet texts that they are here...and thriving.  Also my belly still has that dark brown line down the middle reminding me that not too long ago it was occupied.

A lot is going on with the Bowyers right now.  Have a look-

I've lost nearly 45 lbs since delivery, had my braces removed, finished another semester of school, started a job, and died my hair a flaming RED.  Also, I turned 32 in May.

Shane is continuing in his studies to earn his PhD in Psychology.  He's challenging me to get fit and stay fit!  He works very hard counselling women and children who have escaped (temporarily) from domestic violence situations.  He turned 35 in May.

Cake for breakfast!

 Brennan finished the 3rd grade, placed second in his school spelling bee, and got a Brohawk:-)

Hudson completed the first grade, made LOTS of new friends,and got a cool hair cut too!

My dearest Halle graduated from Pre-K (sniff, sniff).  Here she is with her two WONDERFUL teachers.  She won the "Fashion Forward" award :-)

Thanks for reading...for following along...for choosing surrogacy,equality, and love.  I'll post more pics as they come.  Much love-

This is goodbye (for now)

Going to take a little break from this blog for a while.  Time to re-group and focus on some areas in my life that have been neglected...like exercising, my other blog and school (starts Tuesday).

While I have very much enjoyed living my life for the world to see, it is time (for a season) to live a bit more privately.  Hope to update with pictures of both sets of twins as they come!!

Much of what I have written has been transformative for me.  I have grown deeply, loved much and learned many lessons about life, love, friendship, beginnings and ends.  I hope one day to come back to this blog and compile it into a book or surrogacy memoir.  For now, I need time away in hopes that when I return to it, it will be vibrant and new.

Love to all who have read for the past 3 years-

NOOOOOO...

Seriously.  Not again...  The "Blues" are upon me.  Hormones are surging and plumitting...  I am an engine all revved up and then out of no where, stalled.

This is the side of surrogacy that is tricky.  To share or not to share?? That is the question.

I will share even though I am certain that those who have criticized my choice to carry children who are not mine may feel the need to shout "I told ya so".

Depressed??  NO.  Sad??  NO.  Angry, bitter, jealous???  NO!  So what the hell am I?  Exactly!

What am I?

For the last 3 years I have been a surrogate.  Now I must put "retired" as I no longer plan to carry again.  For 3 whole years I have been looking forward to meeting IP's, developing a relationship, med starts, transfers, blood work, ultrasounds, baby movements and delivery.  Now I have 2 SPECTACULAR journey's tucked under my belt...4 babies, 3 Intended Parents (whom I love), 2 deliveries and 2 tearful departures.

I am in that all to familiar and very uncomfortable, desert.  I see the future but feel alone.  I KNOW I am loved and cared for and appreciated and yet (because of those damn hormones) my feelings betray my knowledge.  It isn't the abrupt shift from pregnant to not that is so hard...I don't miss the pregnancy.  I am so enjoying the close hugs I can share with my husband and kids again.  It is the feeling of investing in a friendship and just as soon as it reaches a level of comfort and depth, it's gone.

Now I am under no illusion that these relationships were formed or would have been formed had I not offered my services, but no matter the origins, the feelings came and remain.  My love for E & S grew mostly after the delivery of Linnea and Marius...We spent 5 weeks growing to know and care for one another.  With T, the feelings grew steadily throughout the pregnancy and hit an all time high as I watched him cradle his children.

What happens after surrogacy is unique...that is to say every surrogate and IP has the right to experience this "end" in their own unique way.  Some surro's live in a state of euphoria  for weeks while some cry and grieve.  Some IP's feel the desire to communicate often and others cut off communication entirely.  There is no right or wrong way to be.  The point is, I am allowing myself to feel and I'm not beating myself up about it.  I feel distant.  I feel out of touch.  I feel like I am wanting affirmation.  I feel tears coming and then I choke them back quickly.  I feel like a shell, hollow.  These journey's were a very big part of my life and gave me such meaning and purpose and now, I am searching.  Not for meaning or purpose (that wakes me up with sticky hands and faces each day) but for what is next.  What is next?  What if's plague me.  What if I am never close to E & S or T?  What if I never find a way to give back to the world and be fulfilled?  What if this is the only thing I ever do that brings change to the world???

The flip side to this?  There are 6 1/2 days out of 7 that I feel none of these things...in fact, quite the opposite.  I feel loved, appreciated, needed, affirmed, intelligent, fulfilled and lately even, SEXY.  After 5 pregnancies, 2 sets of twins and A LOT of breastfeeding/pumping, I feel beautiful in my own skin.

The above paragraph is why I don't share my hormonal feelings.  The "blusey" days are truly scant in comparison to the joy I feel...They ARE real however and if ever healing is to be complete in me, sharing will facilitate it.

I am truly hopeful that in reading my words no one is offended or hurt or critical as these are not words of blame but just the spilling out of my heart.  I hope surrogacy continues to flourish and I want to be a resource  for surrogates everywhere...I want to offer a safe place where love is rich and no judgment is allowed.

Here is a pic of C & C---Aren't they lovely?

Happy 3 weeks to them!

Me??

Thanks for reading.