Hedgehogs
Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I guess that's why they call it the blues.
As unpredictable as the weather so are the days when the "Blues" strike. Yesterday was great..I have had mostly great days and then today hit..out of nowhere I am down and on the verge of tears...I don't understand..will this be a never-ending cycle of mountains and valleys? Yesterday was good..i was excited and proud of myself..then today bam! What is wrong with me? Oh, I know-For the last year I have been the center of attention. The center of controversy. The center of an amazing experience (overshadowed only by two sweet babies). Now, I am nothing. I am not going to be pregnant...find out a new milestone..look forward to an impending birth...spend time with the Ip's or babies...I have nothing to update and I feel completely unimportant and forgotten. As I say this I feel immediately selfish. I didn't do this out of selfishness but love and now I want more. I want a relationship that is close and intimate..I want to be entitled to knowing about the babies but I am not. I don't want to be their mom or sister or aunt but I do want to be special and remembered at least for a while..I feel like they have everything they ever wanted and I have a line down my belly as a constant reminder of that family I am no longer apart of...i remember as I sit here that I have 3 precious children of my own that never forget to show their love to me..I am their mommy and for that I am grateful! Hoping to be remembered and to love even if I am not.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I am so proud to call you my surrosister! I too felt the exact same way but did not have the courage to post about it. I promise you it does get better. As my surrobabys 1st Birthday approaches, I feel amazed at the little girl who can now stand, walk, has teeth, is an actual little person! I helped make that happen! I may not have the pats on the back and constant compliments I used to get while pregnant, however.. seeing the joy of my friend plan his daughters first birthday, outweighs all the pats on the back! Lots of love to you! xo
ReplyDeleteJust hang in there. These feelings will subside with time and before long you will look back and there will be no pain. I went through the same thing in that I thought I was done with the mood swings and feelings of saddness and the the very next day I would feel like crying. I am now just about three months pp and I truly don't have those feelings anymore. Don't feel selfish because most everyone goes through these feelings and just remember what a great selfless thing you did!
ReplyDeleteHang in there and thank you for opening up and sharing. I haven't had my surro baby yet, due July 1, but it's good to know that this is ok to feel like this!!!!
ReplyDeleteYes, I know. Boy, do I know. You explained it so clearly, and that's exactly what I was feeling about a week ago. It's been four weeks since my surro-babe went home with her dads and I feel like I am just rounding that corner. The worst for me was feeling like I didn't matter to my IFs anymore, even though they had emailed pictures and updates many times and done everything to show that they still care and love me! My emotional side was not connecting with my logical side. Hang in there, and know your surro-sisters are here to talk about it!
ReplyDeleteSending you a gentle hug. I have only heard from my FIPs twice with one picture in over 5 months now. It is hard, especially if it's not what you were expecting. Even when you are expecting it - it's still hard! Take your time, be easy on yourself - time will make it easier, but in the mean time know many care about you and are here to listen.
ReplyDelete