Don't give up..we're still moving forward...

Hey all...I have noticed many of you check back regularly to see any progress in this journey and I just want to assure you that though there is no news to report, things are in fact moving forward.  This phase (the contract phase) can get quite long.  The lawyers for both 'T' and myself are working daily to draft a contract that most effectively communicates our desires and protects us all as we journey on.  I am surprising myself because I am not anxious in the least.  I am thankful  for school and children as they keep me quite occupied during this waiting period.  I have also begun a new workout routine and I am determined to tone up my body before I get pregnant again...the twinsies have left their mark:))

I have been reminded several times lately just how difficult this process can be for both surrogate and intended parents.  I have had two precious surro-friends, with huge hearts set on helping make a family, become pregnant only to lose.  This is a devastating blow to the parents who have invested their hearts and souls in this process and it is crushing to the surrogate who is tempted to feel like a failure.  Surrogacy is wonderful and beautiful and for some very glamorous, but there are those whose dreams have still not been realized and they have reached the end of their journey to parenthood.

Surrogacy is becoming more and more popular these days and is a head turning topic in nearly every conversation or circle.  I am glad that medicine is advancing and people are following suit but let's not forget most people do not enter surrogacy for the glamour of it all..most have tried and failed at every other option.  Men who thought they may never realize the dream of biological fatherhood entrust the life of their unborn child to a stranger.  This is such a unique path to take for both IP and surrogate and I am truly thankful to be a part of this newly cut path...

A sign that things are close...I am growing in confidence daily that this transfer will work..the first time.  I believe there is much to be said about being optimistic and relaxed when approaching a med start and transfer.  I am hoping to hear news from our Dr. that the egg donor is ready to go and then I can begin.

For now, I will pick up my kids and swing with them in the park..All too soon it will be Dr. appointments and baby belly...Until a real update,

Peace

The girl who makes my world go round!

Please excuse this non-surro related post...but my baby is turning 4 tomorrow!  I can remember like it was yesterday, beginning to feel the typical symptoms of impending labor.  At this point in my life I was a stay at home mommy of 2 precious boys, Brennan 3 1/2 and Hudson 22 months.  These two angels sat daily around my belly and talked to this miracle wiggling inside.  Shane and I had completed the nursery decorations and I had ordered as well as received more pink that was really necessary.  It was time for the completion of our family.  I was so emotional as I had my first contractions..would this be the last time I give birth?  I called Shane (he was at a meeting) and arranged a sitter for the boys and we were on our way to the hospital 1  1/2 hours away  in Garden City, Kansas.  Halle took her time but she came into this world virtually pain free in the presence of my doctor and 8 of the most horrified interns...this was an easy birth.  I laughed her out, joked around at the awkwardness of my vagina having so many spectators.  This pregnancy had been so uncomplicated and so had the delivery.  Phew, the hard part was over...or so I thought.

That day I didn't expect Halle Eden to eat all that well but by midnight I was beginning to have the pangs of worry that any mother, new or experienced, at times feels.  Halle was hungry but would not eat..I breastfed both of the boys and was set to nurse my baby girl but she was totally uninterested...we tried a bottle..nothing.    The hospital looked the other way as my baby didn't eat, and assured me she would be fine.  We were discharged after 24 hours and were on the way home when Halle began to root for food.  I was completely helpless, i couldn't get her to eat at all.  She was hungry but seemed too weak to suck and swallow and breathe.  I had no medical training but i did have a mothers intuition..Something wasn't right...

That night after Halle slept for many hours, I woke her to feed and she turned away.  She began to gasp for air and fight hard as she took breaths and I had a confirmation in my soul that she was ill.  I drove her to Liberal (30 min away) and had her assessed by the ER doctor and the doctor smiled and said, "You're perfectly normal to worry every mom does..your baby is perfectly fine."  I took Halle home (reluctantly) and held her to my breast the rest of the night just in case she did decide to eat.  Early the next morning I took her to her primary care doctor for her 3 day evaluation and my doctor looked at me with a straight face as he said "So what are the doctors saying about her murmur?"  her WHAT?  It was then that many other doctors filled the room and told me that Halle most likely had a very large hole in her heart and we were told to go home and pack and get her to  pediatric cardiologist the next morning.

We drove and cried and cried and drove some more..Would our daughter live through this?  How was this not detected on ultra sound?  Long story short, Halle did have a hole...make that 4 holes and she would need to evaluated every few months for a year.  These holes were moderate but not life threatening so we were assured she would be fine.  The next year of our life we struggled to feed Halle.  She required syringe feeding until she was nearly 3 months old.

2 months with mommy

My angel grew and never required surgery but to me she will always be a survivor.  She fought through every feeding to stay alive and I am so thankful she did.  She is by no means easy..quite the opposite in fact.  She challenges her mommy at every turn but she is worth it all.  She is the absolute love and joy of my life.  My heart leaps every time she wakes up in the morning and I nearly cry when she tells me she's so glad I am her mommy because we're best friends.

Thank you Halle for the four most adventurous years of my life.  Thank you for completing my dream for a family and for being mommy and daddy's princess.  You are the sweetest baby sister and your brothers love you.  You are my heart forever!

6 months (chubby bubby)

Look who is 1

2nd Birthday

2 and loving it

3 and getting her ears pierced

3 1/2 with Mommy

Skyping and Legally retained

Well first I want to start by saying thanks to sweet E for Skyping with me today.  You have the most precious babies and to me they look angelic...I know you must be tired at times but wow, you are doing an amazing job.  You were so patient with them today as they wiggled and moved and fussed.  I am always so happy to see you thriving as a mom.  You are great at it.  I felt elated (as I always do when I receive updates) when I hung up the skype-phone...there before my eyes were two little pieces of perfection and though they are miles away, they were in my living room!  Love, love, love how well you all seem to be doing:))

Another update for you all is that I am now legally retained by an attorney's office in LA.  This just means that Contracts can officially begin and meds can start soon.  We are now just waiting on the egg donor..Everything from now until transfer will rely on her.. I am hopeful that she will be just exactly what 'T' is looking for and will be available for a cycle very soon.  Once that is all worked out, I can begin meds to make a nice comfy home for a special baby.  This is all kind of new for me.  During the first journey, I didn't speak to my IP's about where they were in the "process" and just this week I got to speak to "T" again. He is SO cute about the whole thing..VERY enthusiastic to get things moving!

I will update when I can but for now please send out some good vibes for the egg donor...Fingers crossed for a Transfer and positive pregnancy before the end of this year:)

No news is well...no news:)

I have no news to report to you other than I get to talk to T tomorrow..this will be the first time in about a week and a half and my heart is racing, only this time with excitement.  It is similar to getting to talk to a newly discovered friend...you know, you meet and talk forever but that one time just wasn't enough and that is surely true for me. Shane and I had only a few hours with T and much of that was with a third party...When he left us at the airport we both felt like we had so much more we wanted to say and discover...I'm walking away like "hey next time I see you I'll be getting pregnant with your baby..bye"  I wish the distance wasn't so great between us and we could have a more natural "getting to know you phase" but this is the journey we have chosen...I for one have a fire under me and I am ready to go!!

Tomorrow we get to talk about "the next steps" in this surrogacy and that should be fun seeing that this process is one of my favorite topics.

On a different note: Nursing school is going well.  So far I have A's on everything and I am right where I want to be.  Surprisingly, I am not a fan of my composition class..I want to just ask my prof to check out my blogs, I mean I write for fun not for critical review.

I hope everyone is doing very well...hopefully more news will be coming soon!

Peace-

Happy 6 months!

I can literally not believe it has been half of a year...Linnea and Marius aren't teeny weeny anymore they are babbling, solid food eating, smiling soon to be sitting bundles of joy.  The down side to living an ocean away is that I can only imagine that they are doing these things and hear about it from E...but hey one down side compared to 5 million up sides...I can handle that:)

Six months ago tonight, I was on the phone with E hurrying her and telling her that the babies were coming..by 3:07 the next morning, Linnea arrived and 10 minutes later, Marius...My memories aren't quite as vivid now but the feelings are still very real.  Thank you E & S for giving me the most joyous and humbling experience of my life.  I love you all so very much!  I better not blink, they will be a year old in no time:)

Seriously...Could they be any more adorable???  Love you E and S..Hope you are FINALLY getting some rest:))

Fall '11 and back to school fun!

Backpack (for pre-k)

Brennan and Gryffin

Hudson and Mrs. W

Brennan with his buddy Michael

Brennan with Mrs. D (I've known her my entire life)

Me sick in bed and my sweeties never left my side:)

Toddler extensions :))

How we roll- my boys are getting to be pros

Matchmaker, Matchmaker...

Where do I even begin?  My head has literally been swimming for a solid 2 days now and as I sit I am NEARLY speechless...(nearly).  As some of you may know, Shane and I went to LA yesterday to officially begin our new journey.  Now most of the time I am all talk..chit chat, banter, whatever- I am game but yesterday was different...For the first time in as long as I can remember I was so nervous I could hardly eat or sleep.  I tried to keep my mind temporarily off of the situation nearly at hand and have a little fun so Shane and I decided we would take a stroll down Sunset blvd and catch some much needed comic relief and look what we found...

before the show...

and after..

SO cool and just what the doctor ordered.  I think we walked in circles around this part of West Hollywood for so long that we were both ready to crash when we arrived back to the hotel (Le Parc)  <----- This hotel, by the way, is awesome.  Here are some pics

I layed in this bed above wondering, planning, thinking, doubting and second guessing myself..I even had a dream that I arrived at GG for the match and 'T' had seen a different profile than mine and was expecting someone else...Needless to say, I was freaked out and so nervous...that was until I opened the door to the room where the meeting was to take place...

Sitting (and quickly standing to greet me) was 'T'.  How was he doing this?  He was so unassuming, not shaking or sweating at all but calm and inviting.   For the first few moments I looked at him only a little and gave most of my attention to Stuart, our mediator.  I was doing pretty well and then Stuart asked the FIRST question and I had to look at 'T' to answer this one.  'Melissa, explain to T why you wanted to pursue surrogacy and especially now, for him, a gay man'.  I began to talk about my decision nearly 2 years ago, my past experiences and finally how they had led me to where I am today...I lost it..I had to look at this stranger I didn't know and his eyes just had to start talking to me...Even though at this point I was speaking hypothetically about carrying for a gay man, I could not get over the fact that that man was here in this room with me...I was seeing the rest of our journey, the rest of his life as a dad and I was simply overwhelmed.

We talked about me (how impressive) and then it was his turn to lay it out there...tell me just exactly why he wanted me to help him on his way to becoming a father...I will not share specifics but let me say, I have never been so moved.  I decided at that very second that 'T' was the man I wanted to carry for...it sounds so cliche but he had us at hello.  We walked through some contractual things and discussed questions, preferences regarding communication and so on and then it was time to leave our virtual nest and go out into the world to see if we could make it on our own.

We drove around a bit before we came to a quaint restaurant and sat down to eat...(Am I being too detailed??  Stop me or feel free to not read any further if I am.)  We were able to talk in greater detail about our lives, plans, families...and I learned several things that I will always remember...carseats, male seahorses, clarity and roo!  I was still trying to keep my elbows off the table and seem very lady like but really I just wanted to hold hands in a circle (like you do when you're a kid) and jump up and down.  I wanted to say so many things that I didn't...those things will just have to wait 'till next time:)  We enjoyed our lunch and then a birthday souffle before he drove us to the airport.  We had time for a few last minute "get to know me's" and then we were there..it all seems to have gone by so quickly.  I wondered could 'T' really be certain after only knowing Shane and me for a few hours?  Anyway, I could say so much more.

'T', Shane and I smiled the whole way home tonight.  We agree that this is the journey we want to go on, the road we want to walk down and nothing could make us any happier than for me to be your surrogate.  We loved all that you had to say about your family and we respect and admire your decision to begin a family of your own.  You are a truly kind man and far surpassed our hopes for a "match".  Here is to a life changing, world changing year.  Here is to making you a dad..your sister an aunt..M.C a cousin and your parents proud grandparents.  All that I have said is for my memory but these words are for you.  Any child would be lucky to call you dad.  I truly believe you will live life on purpose and do everything you can to build a loving, trusting relationship with your son or daughter.  Thank you for being so kind today and for really engaging us both.  We could not be more ready to get this party started...Happy Birthday!

Here is to another life, love, surrogacy!