Saturday, January 5, 2013
Seriously. Not again... The "Blues" are upon me. Hormones are surging and plumitting... I am an engine all revved up and then out of no where, stalled.
This is the side of surrogacy that is tricky. To share or not to share?? That is the question.
I will share even though I am certain that those who have criticized my choice to carry children who are not mine may feel the need to shout "I told ya so".
Depressed?? NO. Sad?? NO. Angry, bitter, jealous??? NO! So what the hell am I? Exactly!
What am I?
For the last 3 years I have been a surrogate. Now I must put "retired" as I no longer plan to carry again. For 3 whole years I have been looking forward to meeting IP's, developing a relationship, med starts, transfers, blood work, ultrasounds, baby movements and delivery. Now I have 2 SPECTACULAR journey's tucked under my belt...4 babies, 3 Intended Parents (whom I love), 2 deliveries and 2 tearful departures.
I am in that all to familiar and very uncomfortable, desert. I see the future but feel alone. I KNOW I am loved and cared for and appreciated and yet (because of those damn hormones) my feelings betray my knowledge. It isn't the abrupt shift from pregnant to not that is so hard...I don't miss the pregnancy. I am so enjoying the close hugs I can share with my husband and kids again. It is the feeling of investing in a friendship and just as soon as it reaches a level of comfort and depth, it's gone.
Now I am under no illusion that these relationships were formed or would have been formed had I not offered my services, but no matter the origins, the feelings came and remain. My love for E & S grew mostly after the delivery of Linnea and Marius...We spent 5 weeks growing to know and care for one another. With T, the feelings grew steadily throughout the pregnancy and hit an all time high as I watched him cradle his children.
What happens after surrogacy is unique...that is to say every surrogate and IP has the right to experience this "end" in their own unique way. Some surro's live in a state of euphoria for weeks while some cry and grieve. Some IP's feel the desire to communicate often and others cut off communication entirely. There is no right or wrong way to be. The point is, I am allowing myself to feel and I'm not beating myself up about it. I feel distant. I feel out of touch. I feel like I am wanting affirmation. I feel tears coming and then I choke them back quickly. I feel like a shell, hollow. These journey's were a very big part of my life and gave me such meaning and purpose and now, I am searching. Not for meaning or purpose (that wakes me up with sticky hands and faces each day) but for what is next. What is next? What if's plague me. What if I am never close to E & S or T? What if I never find a way to give back to the world and be fulfilled? What if this is the only thing I ever do that brings change to the world???
The flip side to this? There are 6 1/2 days out of 7 that I feel none of these things...in fact, quite the opposite. I feel loved, appreciated, needed, affirmed, intelligent, fulfilled and lately even, SEXY. After 5 pregnancies, 2 sets of twins and A LOT of breastfeeding/pumping, I feel beautiful in my own skin.
The above paragraph is why I don't share my hormonal feelings. The "blusey" days are truly scant in comparison to the joy I feel...They ARE real however and if ever healing is to be complete in me, sharing will facilitate it.
I am truly hopeful that in reading my words no one is offended or hurt or critical as these are not words of blame but just the spilling out of my heart. I hope surrogacy continues to flourish and I want to be a resource for surrogates everywhere...I want to offer a safe place where love is rich and no judgment is allowed.
Here is a pic of C & C---Aren't they lovely?