Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I guess that's why they call it the blues.
As unpredictable as the weather so are the days when the "Blues" strike. Yesterday was great..I have had mostly great days and then today hit..out of nowhere I am down and on the verge of tears...I don't understand..will this be a never-ending cycle of mountains and valleys? Yesterday was good..i was excited and proud of myself..then today bam! What is wrong with me? Oh, I know-For the last year I have been the center of attention. The center of controversy. The center of an amazing experience (overshadowed only by two sweet babies). Now, I am nothing. I am not going to be pregnant...find out a new milestone..look forward to an impending birth...spend time with the Ip's or babies...I have nothing to update and I feel completely unimportant and forgotten. As I say this I feel immediately selfish. I didn't do this out of selfishness but love and now I want more. I want a relationship that is close and intimate..I want to be entitled to knowing about the babies but I am not. I don't want to be their mom or sister or aunt but I do want to be special and remembered at least for a while..I feel like they have everything they ever wanted and I have a line down my belly as a constant reminder of that family I am no longer apart of...i remember as I sit here that I have 3 precious children of my own that never forget to show their love to me..I am their mommy and for that I am grateful! Hoping to be remembered and to love even if I am not.